Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Nameless Cults 665

Other editions of NAMELESS CULTS: I, II, III, IV, V, 666,

*****

So a while back, I was looking through the 2nd edition Forgotten Realms book "Faiths and Avatars" to find a god for my cleric in a buddy's game. The struggles of finding a specialty cleric that can do the few things I wanted was really frustrating and not worth describing.

My real objection to that book is this:

Why in Lucifer's name are there four - count 'em, FOUR - hippy-dippy, best-friends-forever, green thumb, pat a unicorn on the head nature deities in the Forgotten Realms?

Google Image search for "tree hugger"
Chew on this granola:

Chauntea - goddess of agriculture, plants cultivated by humans, farmers, gardeners, summer

Eldath - goddess of quiet places, springs, pools, stillness, peace, waterfalls, druid groves

Mielikki - goddess of forests, forest creatures, rangers, dryads, autumn

Silvanus - god of wild nature, druids

One nature deity? Of course. Two? There's an outside chance. Three looks a bit silly, and by the time we have four I can't think of any explanation but trying to pad out the size of the book.

I imagine bringing my new character to the table: "Oh yeah, my guy serves the goddess of calm and peaceful groves." Then being laughed out of my gaming group forever, insults and Dr. Peppers hurled after me as I run out the door crying.

Honestly the "super harsh bad guy" gods aren't much better. Bhall is so exactly what you'd expect, anybody could have written out that entry. Here's a hint: his domain is death & murder. The specialty priests are called "deathstalkers." I'm absolutely not the first to say that they all seem about the least exciting fantasy-adventure extradimensional ultimate beings anyone's ever heard of. Tie that noose and start with me please.

Too topical? Or not enough?
Give me some old-fashioned CULTS god damn you! I want to see bizarre, hair-raising initiations and terrible prices paid for incomprehensible extrahuman power. I was reading Clark Ashton Smith and thinking about how bloody magical The Door to Saturn is with Eibon's patron deity Zhothaqquah, and its relative Hzuilquoigmnzhah. You know your god truly can't be fucked about you when even pronouncing its name is impossible. Another thing I liked about Dungeon Crawl is they take a shot at this kind of thing: the death god is Yredelemnul, and the god of necromantic magic is Kikubaaqudgha. Pretty damned alien. Followers of those gods don't stand on a milk crate on the avenue Friday nights, yelling at people through a badly set-up PA about abortion. You have to find them, and it won't work out the way you think.

After I get done the classic Mythos cultists I will try to branch out a bit. I am considering Arioch, Thasaidon and Mordiggian, and then maybe I'll do a few D&D standbys like Orcus, Demogorgon, Jubilex and Lolth, although they do feel a bit odd next to the Ancient Ones. I will have to think harder about how to put a fun spin on the classics and take them out of their usual fantasy context. Also, that's a A LOT of evil gods, considering all the "real-world" pantheons have bad guys built in already. Law definitely has the deck stacked against them here.

Just like in real life I guess.

Okay that was a lot of ranting. In the mean time, for tax purposes, here are some stats for a monster I was thinking about yesterday, adapted from another classic '90s computer game.

*****

PUKING DEMON
Feel lucky punk?
No. Appearing: 1d4
Alignment: C
Move: 90’ (30’)
Armour Class: 16
Hit Dice: 4
Attacks: 1+
Damage: 2d6
Save: Fighter
Morale: 7
Hoard Class: VI
Experience: 245

Yep, you heard right. Short, fat, slimy and bilious as hell, these fiends look like a typical red-skinned devil's underachieving, cheeto-loving cousin. They dangle morningstars from their long sideways horns, and attack by spinning around to smash any- and everyone nearby. Their melee attack (2d6 represents the two morningstars) hits everyone in close combat with the puking demon, with a progressive -1 penalty to hit each opponent beyond the first (so a normal attack against the first guy, -1 to hit the second, -2 to hit the third, and so on. Or you could save time and just give them a middling penalty on all rolls). Note that this spin attack won't work on enemies that are too short (<4'), lying on the ground, etc. Common sense applies.

They are used as heavy shock troops in demon armies because they're tough, hard to kill and have some truly morale-destroying abilities! Because they usually terrify or incapacitate their enemies, they don't have the stomach for a fight and will flee if they meet stiff resistance.

Other puking demons are of course immune to both of the following abilities:

HALITOSIS: The foul breath of the puking demons surrounds them at all times in a horrifying miasma. Beings that breathe the air within 10' of a puking demon suffer -2 to attack rolls, morale checks and anything involving swiftness or movement (some saving throws, DEX bonuses, etc) from the debilitating gases. Creatures of 2 HD or less must save vs. poison or be incapacitated, gagging and choking for 1d6 rounds or until they are out of the area. If more demons group together, the area of effect will expand accordingly.

BILE: Instead of melee attacks, the puking demon can Exorcist-style vomit a vile, corrosive slime in a 30 degree cone, extending 20 feet forward. They can do this every third combat round. It does 1d4 acid damage to anyone affected, and the bile sticks to every surface until scraped or washed off. The floor and walls become highly dangerous and corrosive surfaces. Creatures take 1d4 damage each round until they aren't in contact with the bile anymore, or it dries and becomes inert after an hour.

*****

Further, I promise either Yog-Sothoth, the King in Yellow or Tsathoggua getting dished up soon in:
NAMELESS CULTS V!!

EDIT: Nameless Cults V is done! I'll keep adding links to all CULTY posts back here just so I have a nice clearinghouse for them.

Now go listen to this for the rest of the day. Doctor's orders.


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